Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize