My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
