im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
