sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
