i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
