What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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