If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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