I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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