I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
