Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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