Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
