And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
