I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
