Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
