There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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