I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
