There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
