How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
