I heard we made out
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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