The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
