So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
