Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
