I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
