I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
