Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
