You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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