he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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