there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
MIDGETS
????
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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