No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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