we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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