You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My bed smells like the plague
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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