I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
