Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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