hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
