My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
