I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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