hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
