Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
