I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
