And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
