Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
