On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
