please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So vagazzling was a success
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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