Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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