I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
