We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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