I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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