I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
