We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
