it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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