Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
