god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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