if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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