My room smells like vodka and shame
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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