Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
