If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
