My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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