shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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