If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
