There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
