i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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